Dear Timothée,
On repeat...somewhere in Northern Italy...
Call Me By Your Name.
From the movie to the book to the audiobook, I have become so attached to this story.
I’ve been asking myself why I am so drawn to this story (besides of course the perfection and beauty that is you, Timothée!), and I’ve landed on one word:
Vulnerability.
Vulnerability of you and Armie, Elio and Oliver, Mr. and Mrs. P, and, of course, Luca.
And in that vulnerability: grace.
The grace with which this most vulnerable story is executed.
And in that grace: power.
The power to stir up the same intense vulnerability within me, acting as a permission slip to open myself up, shining a light on my desire to be raw, messy, and human. (Simply writing these words is bringing tears to my eyes…my second set of watery eyes so far on my 10-hour train journey from Sicily to Rome).
The power to make me f e e l.
F e e l something that I don’t have the precise words for, but at its most basic level is the human experience…
Sorrow, joy, fear, love, d e s i r e.
Ooo yea let’s go back to that one: d e s i r e.
So much tied up in that single word, mangled with the sins of lust and envy, acting as the root cause of all suffering.
The Buddhist in me knows that there is some truth in the connection between desire and suffering, for if we are always desiring, it means we are not present, and we are beholden to the illusory states of the past or the future.
But the imperfect, unenlightened, wild woman in me asks, but what is a life without desire?
What is life without those very feelings that make us feel a l i v e?
l o v i n g…
c r a v i n g…
d e s i r i n g…
I think there's truth in both ways of living.
I think it's about learning to dance with desire, getting addicted to being alive, and knowing that this moment right here is: Desirable. Alive. Enough.
+++
When CMBYN first came out, I didn’t have much interest in watching it. I didn’t think that what I understood to be a love story between two men was for me. Not that I was against it, but I just wasn’t really attracted to it.
Then over the next few years you drew me in as Lorie, Nic, Yule, and Paul, so I decided I had to watch CMBYN simply to watch you
And? Well, quite frankly, and a little bit silil-y, it changed my life.
It catalyzed within me an un-learning…
An un-learning of the embarrassment and secrecy around pleasure and desire. (Actually, this un-learning has been an ongoing journey, sparked by catalyst after catalyst, and CMBYN entered my life at precisely the perfect moment).
Never had I been aroused by sexual intimacy between two men.
And then boom. CMBYN.
Tender. Intimate. Beautiful. Sad. Raw. Hopeful. Erotic. A r o u s i n g.
Sharing this is vulnerable for me because I judge myself for not wanting to watch this movie at first. If I was as open minded and free-spirited as I claimed, why did the potential of this story make me uncomfortable?
Also, I’m writing about something that turns me on…and well, that’s a little uncomfortable.
I used to be way too embarrassed to admit that erotic movies or books turned me on. I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I should only ever be turned on by my partner…hmmm yes…all of these beliefs are wrapped up in the convoluted relationship women have with pleasure.
But, thanks to CMBYN and soooo many other books, experiences and conversations, I now know I am normal. I know there is no right way to experience pleasure. I know we all have hidden desires and longings. I know that each time an artist, teacher, healer, or friend speaks out loud their hidden desires, then it serves as a permission slip for others to do the same.
No longer do we have to feel that our darkest desires are weird perversions, but rather that they are, quite simply, human.
And what a thing it is to be comfortable with our human-ness. Which is what you (and Luca) have given me.
I daresay it’s the greatest gift one could receive. Thank you.
And now, it is my mission to pass this gift along to others, through my life’s work which is to guide women in reclaiming their wild visceral natures.
Thank you again. Happy birthday <3
Teresa Towey
@teresa_towey
___
Thank you so much for joining! 🫶🏻